What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

When you got married, I bet you never – in a million years – would have imagined asking yourself, “What if my husband hates me?”

Of course not.

When people walk down the aisle, they expect that their spouse will love them, treat them well, be their best friend, and live happily ever after. Then, one day (like today), you find yourself looking for a solution to a problem you never imagined could exist.

But how did you get here?

What Leads to Resentment and Hatred in a Marriage?

How did it come to this? While it is different for every couple, there are some things that can lead to a lot of resentment (and even hate) in a marriage. Let’s take a look at a few of them.

Neglect

When someone gets married, a lot of people – especially men – think, “Ahhhh…I’m married! Now I don’t have to do any more work on this relationship!”

In other words, they get lazy.

When you are dating, it’s common for men to do the chasing. For some, it’s just biologically wired into them. However, once they think they “have you,” then all the effort seems to disappear.

But just because a lot of men get neglectful doesn’t mean you might not have neglected your husband, too. It could be in any area of your relationship – sex, love, attention, friendship…you name it. So, take a look at your actions to see if you have neglected him in any way.

Selfishness

When people get lazy and neglectful in a marriage, it’s frequently based in selfishness. And selfishness in a marriage does not work.

Relationships are a two-way street. One person cannot do all the giving, while the other person does all the taking. If that’s the case, then it creates a very unhealthy imbalance between the two people.

When one person is selfish, resentment grows on the other person’s part. No one likes to be a doormat and taken advantage of.

Cheating

Cheating used to be kind of cut-and-dry. In other words, you were either cheating or you weren’t. However, in this technological age, there is a lot of gray area when it comes to cheating, and it is not just limited to physical cheating.

Sure, sexual cheating is on the top of most people’s lists when it comes to defining it. However, emotional infidelity is just as devastating to a marriage as the physical kind, and sometimes even more so.

Cheating erodes trust, whether it is slowly over time, or if it happens as if a bomb is dropped. Either way, it has the potential to create long-term resentment and even hate.

Abuse

Abuse also comes in many different forms. Yes, if someone hits you, that is definitely abuse. But you don’t need a black eye or a broken bone for something to count as abuse.

If someone is calling you names, criticizing you, or just telling you negative things about yourself, then that is abuse.

Abuse is something that will almost always lead to resentment and hatred in a marriage.

How to Tell If Your Spouse Hates You

Now that we know some of the factors that could lead to resentment and hate in a marriage, let’s look at some of the signs that might tell you that your spouse could possibly hate you.

1. You Fight All the Time

Conflict and disagreements aren’t always bad in a relationship. It’s not reasonable to expect two people to get along and agree on absolutely everything.

However, what is always bad is if you fight unfairly and frequently. For example, if one or both of you need to fight to win an argument and be “right,” then that is a very unhealthy way to be in a relationship. If fighting is the cornerstone of your marriage, then that is a sign that one (or both) of you might hate the other.

2. He Hardly Puts Any Effort Into the Marriage

This is closely related to neglect. If he’s not putting any effort into the marriage at all, then he’s neglecting you. It may or may not be because he “hates” you, but it could be.

He should be nice to you, maintain a friendship, be romantic, and be a good partner. But if you feel like he is just your roommate (and maybe not even a friendly one), then that is not a good sign. He might feel like giving up – or already has.

3. You Don’t Have Sex Very Often (If at All)

The difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship/marriage is physical intimacy. That might sound obvious, but, unfortunately, many people find themselves in loveless, sexless marriages.

So, if you can’t remember the last time the two of you touched each other than to hand them something in the kitchen, then the intimacy in your marriage is probably gone. When people are married to someone they don’t like very much anymore, then they will not feel like having sex with them.

4. He Takes You For Granted

In an ideal world, no one should take anyone for granted. However, it seems to happen all the time.

Sometimes, it’s just human nature. We get comfortable with the status quo and expect things to always be the same. However, if you think about it, anything or anyone can be taken away from us at the drop of a hat.

So, if you feel used and unappreciated, it could be a sign that he resents you, or maybe even hates you.

5. You Suspect He’s Cheating on You

When someone is feeling resentful toward their spouse, they are probably going to look elsewhere if they get the chance. Now, don’t get me wrong – I am not saying this is okay. In fact, it’s not. Turning outside the marriage does nothing to improve it and everything to destroy it.

But if your spouse has such resentment toward you, then it will make it easier for them to justify their cheating. If they don’t love you anymore, then they probably won’t feel as guilty as if they did.

6. He Is Mentally, Emotionally, and/or Physically Abusive

Abuse is NEVER okay. And I mean NEVER. I don’t care how horrible you were to someone, no one deserves to be abused.

However, it does happen. Usually, a mentally unbalanced person becomes an abuser. They became like that for a variety of reasons in their past that may or may not have anything to do with you. You could be part of the mix, but if you are getting abused, it could mean that, in addition to other things, he might resent you for something. But that still doesn’t make it alright.

What to Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

If, after reading all of this, you still think that your spouse hates you, then there are a few things you can do. Keep in mind that coming back from the brink of hatred is not easy. It can be done, but it does require a lot of effort from both parties.

1. Figure out If You Want to Make It Work (or Not)

If you really feel that strongly that your husband hates you, then you need to have a good, long talk with yourself. Do you even want to stay? Why would you want to stay if there is nothing but hatred in the marriage? Get clear on what you want before you make any other decisions.

2. Talk to Him

You might not have had a real, honest, or healthy conversation with him for years. And maybe you have never really talked about the quality of your marriage. But if you have the desire to turn the marriage around, then you need to talk. It won’t be easy if he has so much resentment toward you, but you still need to do it.

3. Make a Plan

Once you have talked to him, then figure out a plan. Depending on how the conversation went, one of two things probably happened. Either he said he wants to try to work it out, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, then the decision is made for you. But if he does, then you need to get help.

4. Seek Counseling

Many people – especially men – think that going to a therapist is a sign of weakness. But it’s actually the opposite. Strong people seek help! So, try to get him to agree to go get professional assistance. It’s probably best for you to get both individual and couples counseling if you can afford to do so.

5. Divorce…If Necessary

Sometimes, a marriage just can’t be saved no matter how hard you try. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s better to just move on with your lives separately than it would be to live in a hatred-filled marriage. That way, you both can start a new life that includes love and happiness.

Final Thoughts

No one wants to be in a marriage full of hate. That’s not what is intended for the institution of marriage. So, I hope you will make the decision to put your happiness first because when you are happy, the rest of your life will be happy as well. It’s not selfish, it’s self-love, and that’s really where happiness and contentment start.

More Tips on Improving a Relationship

We often hear people talk about the importance of living in the present and the different ways it will benefit us. It all sounds wonderful, especially the lower levels of stress and anxiety, but how exactly can we live in the moment when our mind is constantly worrying about the past or plans for the future?

In this article, we’ll discuss some of the benefits of living in the moment you may not be aware of. Then, we’ll look at some of the obstacles and why we worry. Finally, and most importantly, I’ll show you how to live in the moment and stop worrying using some simple practices that you can easily incorporate into your busy schedule.

The result: a happier and more fulfilling life.

The Importance of Living in the Moment

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” -Buddha

While it can be difficult to live in the moment, it has innumerable benefits.

Here are just a few that will enhance your life tremendously:

Better Health

By reducing stress and anxiety, you avoid many of the associated health consequences, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity. Studies have shown that being present can also improve psychological well-being.

Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever been with someone who is physically present, but mentally s/he’s a million miles away?

Being with unavailable people is a struggle, and building relationships with them extremely difficult.

How about being with someone who is fully present? We enjoy being with her/him because we can make a much deeper connection.

By living in the moment, you can be that person other people enjoy being with, and you make relationships much easier.

Greater Self-Control

You have greater control over your mind, body, and emotions. Imagine how much better your life would be if it weren’t at the mercy of a racing mind and unpredictable emotions. You would certainly be more at peace, and much happier.

Why Do We Worry?

Before we answer this question, it’s important to distinguish between worry and concern.

When we are concerned about something, we are more likely dealing with a real problem with realistic solutions. Then, once we do whatever we can to address the problem, we’re willing to live with the outcome.

Worrying, on the other hand, involves unrealistic thinking. We may worry about a problem that doesn’t really exist, or dwell on all the bad things that can happen as a result. Then, we feel unable to deal with the outcome. Either way, we have difficulty dealing with uncertainty, which is a normal part of life.

Certainly, some of our problems may not have desirable outcomes, such as a serious health issue. Some problems may be beyond our control, such as civil unrest or economic downturn. In such cases, it can be hard to avoid worrying, but not impossible.

3 Steps to Start to Live in the Moment

Step 1: Overcome Worrying

In order to overcome worrying, we need to do two things:

Calm Your Mind

When you calm your mind, you are able to see more clearly.

The reason some problems seem so daunting is that our mind is racing so fast that we cannot see things as they truly are. Then, we make up a bunch of possible scenarios in our mind, most of which are unlikely to come true.

In addition to seeing more clearly, a calm mind will help us think more realistically. Unrealistic thinking is fueled by confusion and uncontrolled emotions. Calming your mind will reduce confusion and calm your emotions, allowing you to live in the present.

Focus on Solutions Instead of Problems

Some people tend to be more solution-oriented, and others more problem-oriented. Some of the factors that may determine this are gender, upbringing, and education.

People with more education tend to be problem-solvers. That is what their years of education train them to do. In addition, their jobs probably reinforce this way of thinking.

If you’re not problem-solving oriented, don’t worry. You can train yourself to worry less. We’ll discuss that soon.

Step 2: Identify Obstacles to Living in the Moment

In today’s busy world, it can be a challenge to live in the moment. The reasons revolve around how our mind works, as well as outside influences.

Racing Mind

Many busy people have a racing mind that never seems to slow down. Their mind gets so agitated from too much sensory stimulation.

You see, anything that stimulates any of our five senses will trigger a thought, and that thought leads to another, and then another, and so on.

If you have a busy life, all your activities will overstimulate your mind and make it seemingly impossible to slow it down.

Unpleasant Situations and a Troublesome Past

None of us want to be in unpleasant situations, or remember those of the past. They can bring up painful emotions, which we don’t want to feel.

So how do most people cope with painful emotions?

By doing whatever we can to avoid them, we can take our mind to another place and time where things are more pleasant.

In other words, we avoid living in the present moment.

Some people resort to things that stimulate sensory pleasure, such as food, alcohol, or sex. Others will consume substances that dull their mind and keep them from thinking about unpleasant or stressful situations.

A Wandering Mind

From the moment we are born (likely sooner) until the time we die, our body and mind are active performing some function. Therefore, it’s natural for our mind to have some level of activity, whether conscious or unconscious.

Generally, a wandering mind is unproductive. One thought starts an endless chain of thoughts, and this process can go on until we need our mind to perform a specific function or get distracted with something else.

Now, there are times when a wandering mind can be productive, such as when creating works of art, or trying to find creative solutions to problems. In such cases, we need our mind to explore different possibilities.

Outside Influences

Most of us are not fully aware of how our environment and social norms influence our thinking and behavior. People and institutions are constantly competing for our attention. The media draws our attention to the past, and advertising usually to the future.

Many people around us who dwell on the past or future try to draw us to their way of thinking. Even the whole concept of the American dream is geared toward the future. It tells us that if we acquire things like a good career, family, and house, then we’ll be happy.

Step 3: Practice Mindfulness

So how can we live in the moment in a world that is constantly trying to draw our attention to the past and future?

Before we get into concrete actions you can take, it’s important to understand what mindfulness is. You’ve probably heard the term before, but may not fully understand what it means.

Understand Mindfulness

The concept of mindfulness is actually quite simple. To be mindful is to live in the moment.

When you are mindful, your attention is focused on what is happening in the present moment, and you are fully in touch with reality.

You are aware of what is happening in your body, mind, emotions, and the world around you. This is different than thinking about these things. To develop greater understanding, you don’t have to think about them so much, but rather just observe them.

This may be counterintuitive to many people, especially intellectuals, because they’re so used to using logic to develop greater understanding. With mindfulness, we calm our mind and emotions so we can see clearer. Then, much of our understanding will come from simple observation. When we develop mindfulness, we literally expand our awareness.

To develop mindfulness, we need to train ourselves to observe things more objectively, that is, without our emotions or preconceived ideas influencing our views.

If you’re ready to live a better life, read on for some simple mindfulness practices that you can incorporate into your daily routine to help you live in the moment.

You don’t have to do all of them, but rather choose the ones that appeal to you and suit your lifestyle.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is the mainstay of developing mindfulness and living in the moment. To practice mindfulness meditation, all you really have to do is sit quietly and follow your breathing. When your mind wanders off, just bring it back to your breath.

Notice how your lungs expand with each in-breath and contract with each out-breath. Let your breathing become relaxed and natural.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. The idea is to start spending time away from the constant sensory stimulation of all your activities, and just allow it to settle down naturally. Start with about 5 to 10 minutes per day and work your way up to about 20 minutes or longer.

This practice is highly effective, and can have both short-term and long-term benefits.

If you want to learn more about mindfulness meditation, take a look at this article:

Mindful Breathing

While this may sound the same as mindfulness meditation, all you’re really doing is taking short breaks occasionally (10 to 15 seconds) to observe your breathing. Stop whatever you’re doing, and take a few mindful breaths, then resume your activity. That’s it.

You can do mindful breathing at any time of the day during your busy schedule. What it does is interrupt the acceleration of your mind. It is like taking your foot off the accelerator while driving. It’s a nice refreshing break you can take without anyone noticing.

Here’re some breathing exercises you can try to learn: 5 Breathing Exercises for Anxiety (Simple and Calm Anxiety Quickly)

Mindful Walking

Walking is an activity that you perform several times throughout the day. We often think we’re being productive by texting or calling someone while walking. But are we really?

Instead of getting on your cell phone or letting your mind wander off, why not use your walking to train yourself to live in the moment and focus on the task at hand?

Mindful walking is similar to mindful breathing, but instead of focusing on your breath, focus on your walking. Pay attention to each footstep. Also, notice the different motions of your arms, legs, and torso. When your mind wanders off, just bring your attention back to your walking.

You can even make a meditation out of walking. That is, go walking for a few minutes outside. Start by slowing down your pace. If you slow down your body, your mind will follow.

In addition to paying attention to your walking, notice the trees, sunshine, and critters. A mindful walk is enjoyable and can really help your mind settle down.

You can discover more benefits of walking in nature here.

Mindful Eating

Eating is an activity that most of us perform mindlessly. The reason is that it doesn’t require your attention to perform. Therefore, many of us try to multitask while we eat. We may talk on the phone, text, watch TV, or even hold a meeting.

The problem with not eating mindfully is that we don’t eat what our body and mind need to perform at an optimal level. We may eat unhealthy foods, or too much. This can lead to various health problems, especially as we get older.

Live in the present with mindful eating.

Mindful eating has many health benefits, such as reduced food cravings, better digestion, and even weight loss.

So how do you eat mindfully? Start by slowing down, and avoid the temptation to distract yourself with another activity. Here are 3 different aspects of eating where you can practice mindfulness:

  • Eating itself: Focus your attention on choosing a portion of food to insert into your mouth. Notice the smell, flavor, and texture as you chew it; then finally swallow it. As with following your breath during meditation, pay close attention to every aspect of eating.
  • Choice of foods: Although you’ve already chosen your food before you have begun eating, you can still take the opportunity to contemplate your choices. Think about the nutrients your body needs to sustain itself.
  • Contemplating the sources: Most of us don’t think about all the work it takes to provide us with the food we eat. While you’re eating, consider all the work by the farmer, shipping company, and the grocery store. These are real people who worked hard to provide you with the food necessary for your survival.

You can find more tips about mindful eating here: 7 Simple Steps to Mindful Eating

Mindful Activities

Choose an activity that you perform regularly, such as washing dishes. Focus all your attention on this activity, and resist the temptation to let your mind wander,. When it does, just bring your attention back to washing dishes.

Notice some of the specific movements or sensations of washing dishes, such as how the soapy water feels on your hands, the circular motion of scrubbing the dish, or the rinsing. You’d be surprised at how such a mundane activity can truly expand your awareness.

You can choose any activity you like, such as ironing, folding clothes, mowing the lawn, or showering. Over time, you will begin doing all these activities with greater mindfulness.

Final Thoughts

Practicing mindfulness is like regularly putting small amounts of change in a jar. They will all add up over time, and this will add up to greater peace and happiness, as well as get you closer to achieving your goals.

Remember, you don’t have to do the mindfulness practices perfectly to get the benefits. All you have to do is keep bringing your mind back to the present moment when it wanders off.

Practicing mindfulness may be a bit challenging in the beginning, but I can assure you it will get easier.

The benefits of living in the moment are well within your reach, no matter how much your mind is racing. If you stick with these mindfulness practices, you too will learn how to live in the moment and stop worrying. When you do, a whole new world will open up for you. This is what Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh calls the ultimate reality.

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