How to Love Someone in the Way They Need

When I turned 30, my husband threw me a “surprise” party. I add quotes because my husband can’t keep a secret, no matter how hard he tries. He thought that by throwing me a surprise party he was showing how much he loved me. He actually believed I’d be thrilled beyond words. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

Here’s the thing: I don’t like surprises. And I don’t like parties. Furthermore, as an introvert by nature, I don’t like being around large groups of people. An ideal “party” for me would have been a quiet dinner with just the family, or a couple of close friends.

We speak very different love languages, my husband and I. He planned a big gala affair because that’s what he would have liked. He honestly imagined I’d like it, too. A party of 30 people was not my idea of being loved in the way I would have liked being loved. To his credit, however, it was early on in our relationship, and he wasn’t yet in tune to the love language I spoke. He knows better than to try something like that today.

Even though I wasn’t thrilled about the party, I didn’t say so, not until much later in our marriage. I really appreciated how hard he tried to please me, to make me happy, and to celebrate a milestone birthday. He attempted to show his love in the best way he knew how, and for that, I was grateful.

Love—it’s a big word. It’s one that stirs up big feelings. However, query anyone about love and its meaning, and you’ll more than likely catch that someone stumbling all over themselves in an effort to do it succinctly. I mean, how do you describe a word that carries with it so many possible manifestations? There is no easy way.

What Is Love?

The word love is both a noun and a verb. In relationships, be that as it may, it is mostly demonstrated with some type of action, subtle or grand, but an action, nonetheless, making it very much a verb. Love and its multiple meanings leave its expression ample room for creativity. Because it can be expressed in so many ways, it can often leave lovers disappointed in its wake if not received in the anticipated way.

Based on disparate backgrounds and world views, people feel love and show love in a myriad of contrasting ways. If you and your partner speak love in the same manner, no problem. You will both be quite happy, satisfied, and in tune with each other.

But if you don’t, then a little talk might be in order. If you want to have your intimate emotional needs met, letting your partner know the ways in which you feel loved is important. It’s also salient to understand the way in which they express their love. One way is not better than the other. It just has to do with personal preference and feelings of familiarity.

Talking about your expectations eliminates the guess work of how to communicate your love to each other. It allows you both to tune into the same channel; you’ll get along and feel as though you’re getting your love needs met. People are different, and so respond differently to displays of affection, however they may manifest.

An important question to ask yourself is, “How do I feel most loved?” And, “How does my partner?” Both have to be addressed and implemented in your relationship if you want it to thrive.

How to Show Love

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, he states that there are five basic ways to communicate your love to your partner. Let me break those down for you. This will give you a glimpse into the many ways you can show your partner you love them, in the way they need that to be shown, and vice versa.

1. Words of Affirmation

This love speak has to do with the spoken or written word. If you’re with someone whose primary language is affirming words of love, you might want to say (often), “I love you! You’re the best thing since sliced bread!” Or leave random notes throughout the house proclaiming your undying love. Loving, sweet texts will work, too.

If you’re with a partner who needs words of affirmation to feel loved, then make sure to tell them in words, and/or in writing, how you feel. You will have one happy camper on your hands. Working eight hours a day to provide for her/him, or bringing home a bouquet of flowers won’t necessarily do the trick. Unless, of course, when you hand over the dozen tulips you look into his/her eyes and say, “I love you more than life! You are my soul mate, my one and all. These flowers pale in comparison to your divine beauty!” Now you’re talking.

More than the actual saying of the words, it’s the meaning behind the words that matter most. If your partner speaks this language, they need to know you appreciate them with open and honest communication. Make sure you praise, encourage, tell, write—whatever you can—to express your love. That will have a beautiful impact on your relationship. Remember, however, that negative words can have a very strong impact in the other direction, so be very mindful of what you say and how you say it.

2. Acts of Service

The sweetest words I can hear are, “I’ll take care of that for you!” Those words make me feel more loved than any other, especially when it relieves me of having to do a stressful task. This is definitely my primary love language. I have major issues with laziness, or someone who doesn’t follow through with their commitments.

If your partner is like me, then you’re going to want to discover where their needs lie. Try to pay attention to the small things in your relationship, and remember them! Bring these up at the correct time to surprise them and make them feel special. They’ll appreciate that you took the time to notice what kind of restaurant they like or what movie they like to watch on the weekends.

If that’s not enough, look around…does something around the house need fixing? Can you help out by making the bed or doing the dishes? Maybe filling up a flat tire on their bike? If your partner’s primary love language is acts of service—anything that can take the load off—then find a way to do just that. Your honey will be extremely grateful, trust me.

3. Receiving Gifts

Every time my son would FaceTime with his girlfriend, he noticed her struggle to unravel her tangled earbuds. It would always take her several minutes to get situated. So, when he showed up at her house with a pair of wireless earbuds, she was blown away.

For a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts, it’s more than just the gift itself. My son’s girlfriend was wowed because she recognized the thought behind the gift. He was paying attention to her needs. By giving her that gift, he was speaking her language of love. She knew that it came from the heart and his desire to not see her struggle.

Without really realizing its importance, my son did a great thing for her. She felt happy, secure, and like someone was really looking out for her. More than the visual sight of the gift, her overwhelming warm and fuzzy feelings came from his motivation.

If your partner feels loved by receiving gifts, know that the gifts do not have to be expensive. Even though this is not my primary language, I appreciate useful items. For example, a friend of mine once gave me three sticks of lip balm. Wow! It’s such a small thing when you think about it, but I use those all the time, so it was the perfect gift. Little trinkets here and there serve their purpose. It lets the person know you’re thinking about them

Don’t underestimate their power. As long as the gift is from the heart, it’s all good.

4. Quality Time

One-on-one time, undivided attention, and shared activities…if this sounds good to you, then this is your primary love speak. Quality time probably needs a little more attention than the other four ways to show love because it requires, well, time. And it seems like people nowadays are hard-pressed to provide it because they just don’t have it, or they claim not to.

So, if your partner feels loved by having cozy dinners, just the two of you, cuddling up and watching movies, going for bike rides, or taking long walks, then make the time. This will make your relationship prosper. Your investment of time will pay amazing dividends. Your partner will feel loved and cared for.

Even if this is not the favored love language for either of you, it’s critical to spend the time with your mate. This will aid in creating a strong and solid relationship. And as you can see above, it doesn’t have to be 24/7.

If you fancy being out with friends, rock climbing, running marathons, or what-have-you, don’t despair. You can do both. You can have your alone time, just as long as you dedicate that much-appreciated couple’s time to your partner.

5. Physical Touch

When Dr. Chapman talks about physical touch as being a love language, he’s not necessarily referring to touching with sexual undertones. The physical touch to which he is referring is hand holding, a shoulder squeeze, a hand on the back, little touches here and there.

My husband’s primary love language is physical touch. Mine is not. But because I know that he feels loved by my physical touch, I’ll rub his back when I walk by him, or squeeze his hand as we’re driving, hug him as we pass each other in the kitchen, etc. Even the smallest acts of touch can go a long way.

Even though physical touch is not my preferred love speak, I want my husband to feel loved in the way that he needs, hence I make the effort to make those gestures. His whole demeanor changes. I can feel his happiness through my touch.

Incorporating More Than One Love Language

I want to add here that while a person has a desired love language, they can speak a little bit of the other love languages as well. For instance, your love language might be physical touch, but you still really enjoy receiving gifts, or spending quality time with your partner.

It’s important to know what language your partner speaks, yes. In this way you can show them you love them in the way that it will be the most meaningful to them. You are not sacrificing anything in the process. You will, however, make a big impact on your partner, create feelings of love, security, and happiness. In contrast…

While it’s wonderful and essential to show your partner love in the way they need, it is just as important to recognize the way in which your partner feels comfortable expressing their love to you. For instance, if their way of expressing love is by doing acts of service for you, don’t make them feel diminished, as though they don’t love you simply because they didn’t come home with a sparkling tennis bracelet.

See the value in what they’re doing. If that’s the way of expressing their love for you, take it. Understand they don’t love you any less; they’re just showing it in a different way. Negating their methods will just make them feel bad, create an argument, or just make you look ungrateful. David Braucher, LCSW, Ph.D, writes:

“Maybe it would be hard for them, though I’m not saying they shouldn’t try. But if we are complaining about what we are not getting without appreciating what we do receive, we are rejecting a very intimate part of them. And we don’t want to reject them! We love them. We love that they love us. We just want them to express their love differently—the way we want it.”

All the love languages are important. You can play around with one or all. One is not better than the other, as I’ve said. It’s important to recognize the way in which we want to be loved and express it, but it goes both ways. Just because your partner forgets your anniversary doesn’t mean s/he doesn’t love you. It could mean s/he was busy and had a lot on his/her mind.

Final Thoughts

There are many ways to express love. Understanding what your partner needs is essential, but understanding how your partner demonstrates his/her love is just as important. Don’t allow your insecurities to manipulate you. If you catch yourself saying, “If s/he loved me, s/he would have…” Not necessarily. Just because someone doesn’t express love in the same love language doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Be grateful for what they do for you and how they express it.

Love is the universal language. It can be spoken in many different ways. Allow room in your relationship to speak as many as you can. After all, love is love!

More on How to Love Someone

We often hear people talk about the importance of living in the present and the different ways it will benefit us. It all sounds wonderful, especially the lower levels of stress and anxiety, but how exactly can we live in the moment when our mind is constantly worrying about the past or plans for the future?

In this article, we’ll discuss some of the benefits of living in the moment you may not be aware of. Then, we’ll look at some of the obstacles and why we worry. Finally, and most importantly, I’ll show you how to live in the moment and stop worrying using some simple practices that you can easily incorporate into your busy schedule.

The result: a happier and more fulfilling life.

The Importance of Living in the Moment

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” -Buddha

While it can be difficult to live in the moment, it has innumerable benefits.

Here are just a few that will enhance your life tremendously:

Better Health

By reducing stress and anxiety, you avoid many of the associated health consequences, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity. Studies have shown that being present can also improve psychological well-being.

Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever been with someone who is physically present, but mentally s/he’s a million miles away?

Being with unavailable people is a struggle, and building relationships with them extremely difficult.

How about being with someone who is fully present? We enjoy being with her/him because we can make a much deeper connection.

By living in the moment, you can be that person other people enjoy being with, and you make relationships much easier.

Greater Self-Control

You have greater control over your mind, body, and emotions. Imagine how much better your life would be if it weren’t at the mercy of a racing mind and unpredictable emotions. You would certainly be more at peace, and much happier.

Why Do We Worry?

Before we answer this question, it’s important to distinguish between worry and concern.

When we are concerned about something, we are more likely dealing with a real problem with realistic solutions. Then, once we do whatever we can to address the problem, we’re willing to live with the outcome.

Worrying, on the other hand, involves unrealistic thinking. We may worry about a problem that doesn’t really exist, or dwell on all the bad things that can happen as a result. Then, we feel unable to deal with the outcome. Either way, we have difficulty dealing with uncertainty, which is a normal part of life.

Certainly, some of our problems may not have desirable outcomes, such as a serious health issue. Some problems may be beyond our control, such as civil unrest or economic downturn. In such cases, it can be hard to avoid worrying, but not impossible.

3 Steps to Start to Live in the Moment

Step 1: Overcome Worrying

In order to overcome worrying, we need to do two things:

Calm Your Mind

When you calm your mind, you are able to see more clearly.

The reason some problems seem so daunting is that our mind is racing so fast that we cannot see things as they truly are. Then, we make up a bunch of possible scenarios in our mind, most of which are unlikely to come true.

In addition to seeing more clearly, a calm mind will help us think more realistically. Unrealistic thinking is fueled by confusion and uncontrolled emotions. Calming your mind will reduce confusion and calm your emotions, allowing you to live in the present.

Focus on Solutions Instead of Problems

Some people tend to be more solution-oriented, and others more problem-oriented. Some of the factors that may determine this are gender, upbringing, and education.

People with more education tend to be problem-solvers. That is what their years of education train them to do. In addition, their jobs probably reinforce this way of thinking.

If you’re not problem-solving oriented, don’t worry. You can train yourself to worry less. We’ll discuss that soon.

Step 2: Identify Obstacles to Living in the Moment

In today’s busy world, it can be a challenge to live in the moment. The reasons revolve around how our mind works, as well as outside influences.

Racing Mind

Many busy people have a racing mind that never seems to slow down. Their mind gets so agitated from too much sensory stimulation.

You see, anything that stimulates any of our five senses will trigger a thought, and that thought leads to another, and then another, and so on.

If you have a busy life, all your activities will overstimulate your mind and make it seemingly impossible to slow it down.

Unpleasant Situations and a Troublesome Past

None of us want to be in unpleasant situations, or remember those of the past. They can bring up painful emotions, which we don’t want to feel.

So how do most people cope with painful emotions?

By doing whatever we can to avoid them, we can take our mind to another place and time where things are more pleasant.

In other words, we avoid living in the present moment.

Some people resort to things that stimulate sensory pleasure, such as food, alcohol, or sex. Others will consume substances that dull their mind and keep them from thinking about unpleasant or stressful situations.

A Wandering Mind

From the moment we are born (likely sooner) until the time we die, our body and mind are active performing some function. Therefore, it’s natural for our mind to have some level of activity, whether conscious or unconscious.

Generally, a wandering mind is unproductive. One thought starts an endless chain of thoughts, and this process can go on until we need our mind to perform a specific function or get distracted with something else.

Now, there are times when a wandering mind can be productive, such as when creating works of art, or trying to find creative solutions to problems. In such cases, we need our mind to explore different possibilities.

Outside Influences

Most of us are not fully aware of how our environment and social norms influence our thinking and behavior. People and institutions are constantly competing for our attention. The media draws our attention to the past, and advertising usually to the future.

Many people around us who dwell on the past or future try to draw us to their way of thinking. Even the whole concept of the American dream is geared toward the future. It tells us that if we acquire things like a good career, family, and house, then we’ll be happy.

Step 3: Practice Mindfulness

So how can we live in the moment in a world that is constantly trying to draw our attention to the past and future?

Before we get into concrete actions you can take, it’s important to understand what mindfulness is. You’ve probably heard the term before, but may not fully understand what it means.

Understand Mindfulness

The concept of mindfulness is actually quite simple. To be mindful is to live in the moment.

When you are mindful, your attention is focused on what is happening in the present moment, and you are fully in touch with reality.

You are aware of what is happening in your body, mind, emotions, and the world around you. This is different than thinking about these things. To develop greater understanding, you don’t have to think about them so much, but rather just observe them.

This may be counterintuitive to many people, especially intellectuals, because they’re so used to using logic to develop greater understanding. With mindfulness, we calm our mind and emotions so we can see clearer. Then, much of our understanding will come from simple observation. When we develop mindfulness, we literally expand our awareness.

To develop mindfulness, we need to train ourselves to observe things more objectively, that is, without our emotions or preconceived ideas influencing our views.

If you’re ready to live a better life, read on for some simple mindfulness practices that you can incorporate into your daily routine to help you live in the moment.

You don’t have to do all of them, but rather choose the ones that appeal to you and suit your lifestyle.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is the mainstay of developing mindfulness and living in the moment. To practice mindfulness meditation, all you really have to do is sit quietly and follow your breathing. When your mind wanders off, just bring it back to your breath.

Notice how your lungs expand with each in-breath and contract with each out-breath. Let your breathing become relaxed and natural.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. The idea is to start spending time away from the constant sensory stimulation of all your activities, and just allow it to settle down naturally. Start with about 5 to 10 minutes per day and work your way up to about 20 minutes or longer.

This practice is highly effective, and can have both short-term and long-term benefits.

If you want to learn more about mindfulness meditation, take a look at this article:

Mindful Breathing

While this may sound the same as mindfulness meditation, all you’re really doing is taking short breaks occasionally (10 to 15 seconds) to observe your breathing. Stop whatever you’re doing, and take a few mindful breaths, then resume your activity. That’s it.

You can do mindful breathing at any time of the day during your busy schedule. What it does is interrupt the acceleration of your mind. It is like taking your foot off the accelerator while driving. It’s a nice refreshing break you can take without anyone noticing.

Here’re some breathing exercises you can try to learn: 5 Breathing Exercises for Anxiety (Simple and Calm Anxiety Quickly)

Mindful Walking

Walking is an activity that you perform several times throughout the day. We often think we’re being productive by texting or calling someone while walking. But are we really?

Instead of getting on your cell phone or letting your mind wander off, why not use your walking to train yourself to live in the moment and focus on the task at hand?

Mindful walking is similar to mindful breathing, but instead of focusing on your breath, focus on your walking. Pay attention to each footstep. Also, notice the different motions of your arms, legs, and torso. When your mind wanders off, just bring your attention back to your walking.

You can even make a meditation out of walking. That is, go walking for a few minutes outside. Start by slowing down your pace. If you slow down your body, your mind will follow.

In addition to paying attention to your walking, notice the trees, sunshine, and critters. A mindful walk is enjoyable and can really help your mind settle down.

You can discover more benefits of walking in nature here.

Mindful Eating

Eating is an activity that most of us perform mindlessly. The reason is that it doesn’t require your attention to perform. Therefore, many of us try to multitask while we eat. We may talk on the phone, text, watch TV, or even hold a meeting.

The problem with not eating mindfully is that we don’t eat what our body and mind need to perform at an optimal level. We may eat unhealthy foods, or too much. This can lead to various health problems, especially as we get older.

Live in the present with mindful eating.

Mindful eating has many health benefits, such as reduced food cravings, better digestion, and even weight loss.

So how do you eat mindfully? Start by slowing down, and avoid the temptation to distract yourself with another activity. Here are 3 different aspects of eating where you can practice mindfulness:

  • Eating itself: Focus your attention on choosing a portion of food to insert into your mouth. Notice the smell, flavor, and texture as you chew it; then finally swallow it. As with following your breath during meditation, pay close attention to every aspect of eating.
  • Choice of foods: Although you’ve already chosen your food before you have begun eating, you can still take the opportunity to contemplate your choices. Think about the nutrients your body needs to sustain itself.
  • Contemplating the sources: Most of us don’t think about all the work it takes to provide us with the food we eat. While you’re eating, consider all the work by the farmer, shipping company, and the grocery store. These are real people who worked hard to provide you with the food necessary for your survival.

You can find more tips about mindful eating here: 7 Simple Steps to Mindful Eating

Mindful Activities

Choose an activity that you perform regularly, such as washing dishes. Focus all your attention on this activity, and resist the temptation to let your mind wander,. When it does, just bring your attention back to washing dishes.

Notice some of the specific movements or sensations of washing dishes, such as how the soapy water feels on your hands, the circular motion of scrubbing the dish, or the rinsing. You’d be surprised at how such a mundane activity can truly expand your awareness.

You can choose any activity you like, such as ironing, folding clothes, mowing the lawn, or showering. Over time, you will begin doing all these activities with greater mindfulness.

Final Thoughts

Practicing mindfulness is like regularly putting small amounts of change in a jar. They will all add up over time, and this will add up to greater peace and happiness, as well as get you closer to achieving your goals.

Remember, you don’t have to do the mindfulness practices perfectly to get the benefits. All you have to do is keep bringing your mind back to the present moment when it wanders off.

Practicing mindfulness may be a bit challenging in the beginning, but I can assure you it will get easier.

The benefits of living in the moment are well within your reach, no matter how much your mind is racing. If you stick with these mindfulness practices, you too will learn how to live in the moment and stop worrying. When you do, a whole new world will open up for you. This is what Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh calls the ultimate reality.

More About Living in the Present

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