How to Handle a Cheating Spouse

When a person gets married, they hope to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. That’s how all the Disney movies and romantic comedies portray marriage, right?

But unfortunately, for many people, it doesn’t work out that way.

Most couples start out crazy in love, and they think that feeling will last forever.

Even if they know that feeling of infatuation may wear off, they at least expect to have a loyal partner by their side for the rest of our lives.

Sure, some couples do live happily ever after. There are little old couples walking around hand-in-hand just as in love as the day they met.

But for many, that is not their story.

If a marriage goes downhill over the years, there can be many reasons.

It could simply be because they have grown apart, or because they focused too much on raising children and forgot to nurture each other.

Or, it could be the reason many people dread the most – cheating.

What is Cheating?

This may seem like an obvious question, but in today’s world, it is not as clear-cut.

Usually, people think of physical indiscretions when they think of cheating. This could be anything from hand-holding to kissing to full-out sex.

That’s the easy way to describe cheating.

But there’s another kind of cheating where there is a little more gray area, and that is emotional cheating.

The problem with emotional cheating is that many people have different standards for it, which we will discuss in a moment.

Regardless, most people expect their partner to remain emotionally loyal to them, and to not get too close to another person.

The Gray Area

Here are some examples of behaviors that might fall into the “gray area” for some people. In other words, some people might consider these cheating, while others may not.

  1. Flirting or romantically teasing another person
  2. Talking to or meeting with your ex(es)
  3. Texting other people too much
  4. Touching or grabbing other people
  5. Buying presents for other people
  6. Going out with others too often
  7. Talking to a person (or people) online too often
  8. Engaging in pornography
  9. Going out on a “date” (or date-like activity) with someone else
  10. Going to clubs and dancing/grinding with other people
  11. Asking other people for their phone numbers

As you can see, some of these are worse than others.

Some people might not care about the above behaviors (or even notice), while others might see them as all-out cheating.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

Even if these don’t involve any sort of physical contact, many people do consider these things a betrayal to their relationships, and thus, “cheating.”

Signs of Cheating

If you suspect that you have a cheating spouse, how can you catch them? How can you know for sure that it’s not just “all in your head?”

That’s a huge issue for many people. They go back and forth about it.

Sometimes they think their mind is playing tricks on them, but other times, they are totally convinced that their spouse is cheating.

The best thing to do is to keep a record of their behaviors. Record the dates, times, and any other relevant information.

This serves two purposes: first, it helps you put it into perspective and realize that it’s not all in your head.

Second, when you finally confront your cheating spouse, you have “evidence” to present them with.

If you don’t have that, they might try to play mind games with you and deny their behaviors, making you think that you’re just making it all up.

Here are some pretty common signs that you might have a cheating spouse:

  1. They are hiding their phone from you or guarding it particularly well (especially if this is a change from past behavior)
  2. They start dressing better or losing weight (the assumption is that they are trying to impress someone else)
  3. There are frequent times when they are “unavailable” and you can’t reach them
  4. There’s no more intimacy in your relationship, or it has decreased suddenly
  5. If you question if they’re cheating, they get emotional and accuse you of being crazy
  6. They “overshare” and give an abnormal amount of details about their whereabouts or what they are doing (liars tend to give too much information)
  7. They’re going out with “friends” more than usual
  8. They’re “working late” more than normal

These are just a few of the countless signs that someone is cheating.

Each person is different, so if you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, but it’s not on the list above, then pay attention to that. Our gut feelings are usually right.

Can cheating be prevented? It can be possible: 10 Ways to Prevent Cheating in a Relationship

Can a Marriage Survive Cheating?

So, let’s say that you catch your spouse cheating. Maybe she or he admitted to the cheating, or maybe not.

Regardless, most people wonder if a marriage can ever survive cheating.

This is not an easy question to answer, because each individual and couple has their own limits and standards.

For example, I know some people who would not tolerate even the smallest indiscretion and would be asking for a divorce right away.

But then, there are others who will tolerate way more than they should.

It all comes down to your own standards and boundaries.

The Social Exchange Theory

There is a theory of interpersonal communication called the Social Exchange Theory.

In essence, is says that we weigh rewards against the costs of being in a relationship. We will stay in a relationship as long as the rewards outweigh the costs.

However, once the costs outweigh the rewards, then we will leave the relationship.

The problem is, what qualifies as a “reward” and what qualifies as a “cost?” It’s different for everyone.

Reclaiming Happiness

Sure, a couple can stay married after one (or both) of them cheats.

However, does that mean they will be happy and that it won’t happen again? No, of course not.

I think when most people ask the question of whether or not a marriage can survive cheating, what they are really asking is:

Can the couple go back to how they were in the beginning and be happy again?

It can happen, but it’s relatively rare. In order for the couple to get back to a truly happy, loving, and healthy relationship, several things need to happen:

First, the cheating spouse needs to really, really, really understand the pain that s/he caused their spouse.

And the other spouse needs to know that the cheating spouse is very, very remorseful – so much so that they will never do it again!

Second, the cheating spouse needs to be patient with their partner.

Getting over a betrayal such as cheating does not happen overnight. It takes a long time.

Third, the cheating spouse needs to prove themselves again.

They have to have consistent, trustworthy behavior over a long period of time in order for their partner to trust them again.

Finally, going to therapy will certainly help the couple move forward. Many couples simply can’t do it by themselves, and that’s okay.

Read more about understanding your partner’s actions: Why Your Partner May Be Cheating

Rebuilding Trust After Cheating

As I just mentioned, finding a good therapist will definitely help when you are in the trust-rebuilding process.

In addition to that, here are some other steps that can be taken in order to try to restore the bond you once had with your partner:

  1. Keep the lines of communication open at all times.
  2. Share passwords to phones, computers, and email and social media accounts.
  3. Always be available when your partner calls or texts.
  4. Spend quality time together going on dates and getting to know each other again.
  5. The cheating spouse needs to continually acknowledge their indiscretion and take responsibility.
  6. The cheating spouse also needs to stay true to their word and keep promises.
  7. Put your partner’s needs before your own.
  8. Both people need to be able to openly share their emotions and thoughts with one another.

Final Thoughts

Finding out that you have a cheating spouse is not something that anyone ever wants to deal with.

However, it does happen, and it is worth it to know how to move forward if it happens to you.

The bottom line is this: do you want to try to work it out or not? Sometimes it’s best to step away, separate, and move on with your life.

But in other circumstances, the relationship can recover, and you may be able to build it into something even stronger down the road.

More Relationship Advice

We often hear people talk about the importance of living in the present and the different ways it will benefit us. It all sounds wonderful, especially the lower levels of stress and anxiety, but how exactly can we live in the moment when our mind is constantly worrying about the past or plans for the future?

In this article, we’ll discuss some of the benefits of living in the moment you may not be aware of. Then, we’ll look at some of the obstacles and why we worry. Finally, and most importantly, I’ll show you how to live in the moment and stop worrying using some simple practices that you can easily incorporate into your busy schedule.

The result: a happier and more fulfilling life.

The Importance of Living in the Moment

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” -Buddha

While it can be difficult to live in the moment, it has innumerable benefits.

Here are just a few that will enhance your life tremendously:

Better Health

By reducing stress and anxiety, you avoid many of the associated health consequences, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity. Studies have shown that being present can also improve psychological well-being.

Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever been with someone who is physically present, but mentally s/he’s a million miles away?

Being with unavailable people is a struggle, and building relationships with them extremely difficult.

How about being with someone who is fully present? We enjoy being with her/him because we can make a much deeper connection.

By living in the moment, you can be that person other people enjoy being with, and you make relationships much easier.

Greater Self-Control

You have greater control over your mind, body, and emotions. Imagine how much better your life would be if it weren’t at the mercy of a racing mind and unpredictable emotions. You would certainly be more at peace, and much happier.

Why Do We Worry?

Before we answer this question, it’s important to distinguish between worry and concern.

When we are concerned about something, we are more likely dealing with a real problem with realistic solutions. Then, once we do whatever we can to address the problem, we’re willing to live with the outcome.

Worrying, on the other hand, involves unrealistic thinking. We may worry about a problem that doesn’t really exist, or dwell on all the bad things that can happen as a result. Then, we feel unable to deal with the outcome. Either way, we have difficulty dealing with uncertainty, which is a normal part of life.

Certainly, some of our problems may not have desirable outcomes, such as a serious health issue. Some problems may be beyond our control, such as civil unrest or economic downturn. In such cases, it can be hard to avoid worrying, but not impossible.

3 Steps to Start to Live in the Moment

Step 1: Overcome Worrying

In order to overcome worrying, we need to do two things:

Calm Your Mind

When you calm your mind, you are able to see more clearly.

The reason some problems seem so daunting is that our mind is racing so fast that we cannot see things as they truly are. Then, we make up a bunch of possible scenarios in our mind, most of which are unlikely to come true.

In addition to seeing more clearly, a calm mind will help us think more realistically. Unrealistic thinking is fueled by confusion and uncontrolled emotions. Calming your mind will reduce confusion and calm your emotions, allowing you to live in the present.

Focus on Solutions Instead of Problems

Some people tend to be more solution-oriented, and others more problem-oriented. Some of the factors that may determine this are gender, upbringing, and education.

People with more education tend to be problem-solvers. That is what their years of education train them to do. In addition, their jobs probably reinforce this way of thinking.

If you’re not problem-solving oriented, don’t worry. You can train yourself to worry less. We’ll discuss that soon.

Step 2: Identify Obstacles to Living in the Moment

In today’s busy world, it can be a challenge to live in the moment. The reasons revolve around how our mind works, as well as outside influences.

Racing Mind

Many busy people have a racing mind that never seems to slow down. Their mind gets so agitated from too much sensory stimulation.

You see, anything that stimulates any of our five senses will trigger a thought, and that thought leads to another, and then another, and so on.

If you have a busy life, all your activities will overstimulate your mind and make it seemingly impossible to slow it down.

Unpleasant Situations and a Troublesome Past

None of us want to be in unpleasant situations, or remember those of the past. They can bring up painful emotions, which we don’t want to feel.

So how do most people cope with painful emotions?

By doing whatever we can to avoid them, we can take our mind to another place and time where things are more pleasant.

In other words, we avoid living in the present moment.

Some people resort to things that stimulate sensory pleasure, such as food, alcohol, or sex. Others will consume substances that dull their mind and keep them from thinking about unpleasant or stressful situations.

A Wandering Mind

From the moment we are born (likely sooner) until the time we die, our body and mind are active performing some function. Therefore, it’s natural for our mind to have some level of activity, whether conscious or unconscious.

Generally, a wandering mind is unproductive. One thought starts an endless chain of thoughts, and this process can go on until we need our mind to perform a specific function or get distracted with something else.

Now, there are times when a wandering mind can be productive, such as when creating works of art, or trying to find creative solutions to problems. In such cases, we need our mind to explore different possibilities.

Outside Influences

Most of us are not fully aware of how our environment and social norms influence our thinking and behavior. People and institutions are constantly competing for our attention. The media draws our attention to the past, and advertising usually to the future.

Many people around us who dwell on the past or future try to draw us to their way of thinking. Even the whole concept of the American dream is geared toward the future. It tells us that if we acquire things like a good career, family, and house, then we’ll be happy.

Step 3: Practice Mindfulness

So how can we live in the moment in a world that is constantly trying to draw our attention to the past and future?

Before we get into concrete actions you can take, it’s important to understand what mindfulness is. You’ve probably heard the term before, but may not fully understand what it means.

Understand Mindfulness

The concept of mindfulness is actually quite simple. To be mindful is to live in the moment.

When you are mindful, your attention is focused on what is happening in the present moment, and you are fully in touch with reality.

You are aware of what is happening in your body, mind, emotions, and the world around you. This is different than thinking about these things. To develop greater understanding, you don’t have to think about them so much, but rather just observe them.

This may be counterintuitive to many people, especially intellectuals, because they’re so used to using logic to develop greater understanding. With mindfulness, we calm our mind and emotions so we can see clearer. Then, much of our understanding will come from simple observation. When we develop mindfulness, we literally expand our awareness.

To develop mindfulness, we need to train ourselves to observe things more objectively, that is, without our emotions or preconceived ideas influencing our views.

If you’re ready to live a better life, read on for some simple mindfulness practices that you can incorporate into your daily routine to help you live in the moment.

You don’t have to do all of them, but rather choose the ones that appeal to you and suit your lifestyle.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is the mainstay of developing mindfulness and living in the moment. To practice mindfulness meditation, all you really have to do is sit quietly and follow your breathing. When your mind wanders off, just bring it back to your breath.

Notice how your lungs expand with each in-breath and contract with each out-breath. Let your breathing become relaxed and natural.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. The idea is to start spending time away from the constant sensory stimulation of all your activities, and just allow it to settle down naturally. Start with about 5 to 10 minutes per day and work your way up to about 20 minutes or longer.

This practice is highly effective, and can have both short-term and long-term benefits.

If you want to learn more about mindfulness meditation, take a look at this article:

Mindful Breathing

While this may sound the same as mindfulness meditation, all you’re really doing is taking short breaks occasionally (10 to 15 seconds) to observe your breathing. Stop whatever you’re doing, and take a few mindful breaths, then resume your activity. That’s it.

You can do mindful breathing at any time of the day during your busy schedule. What it does is interrupt the acceleration of your mind. It is like taking your foot off the accelerator while driving. It’s a nice refreshing break you can take without anyone noticing.

Here’re some breathing exercises you can try to learn: 5 Breathing Exercises for Anxiety (Simple and Calm Anxiety Quickly)

Mindful Walking

Walking is an activity that you perform several times throughout the day. We often think we’re being productive by texting or calling someone while walking. But are we really?

Instead of getting on your cell phone or letting your mind wander off, why not use your walking to train yourself to live in the moment and focus on the task at hand?

Mindful walking is similar to mindful breathing, but instead of focusing on your breath, focus on your walking. Pay attention to each footstep. Also, notice the different motions of your arms, legs, and torso. When your mind wanders off, just bring your attention back to your walking.

You can even make a meditation out of walking. That is, go walking for a few minutes outside. Start by slowing down your pace. If you slow down your body, your mind will follow.

In addition to paying attention to your walking, notice the trees, sunshine, and critters. A mindful walk is enjoyable and can really help your mind settle down.

You can discover more benefits of walking in nature here.

Mindful Eating

Eating is an activity that most of us perform mindlessly. The reason is that it doesn’t require your attention to perform. Therefore, many of us try to multitask while we eat. We may talk on the phone, text, watch TV, or even hold a meeting.

The problem with not eating mindfully is that we don’t eat what our body and mind need to perform at an optimal level. We may eat unhealthy foods, or too much. This can lead to various health problems, especially as we get older.

Live in the present with mindful eating.

Mindful eating has many health benefits, such as reduced food cravings, better digestion, and even weight loss.

So how do you eat mindfully? Start by slowing down, and avoid the temptation to distract yourself with another activity. Here are 3 different aspects of eating where you can practice mindfulness:

  • Eating itself: Focus your attention on choosing a portion of food to insert into your mouth. Notice the smell, flavor, and texture as you chew it; then finally swallow it. As with following your breath during meditation, pay close attention to every aspect of eating.
  • Choice of foods: Although you’ve already chosen your food before you have begun eating, you can still take the opportunity to contemplate your choices. Think about the nutrients your body needs to sustain itself.
  • Contemplating the sources: Most of us don’t think about all the work it takes to provide us with the food we eat. While you’re eating, consider all the work by the farmer, shipping company, and the grocery store. These are real people who worked hard to provide you with the food necessary for your survival.

You can find more tips about mindful eating here: 7 Simple Steps to Mindful Eating

Mindful Activities

Choose an activity that you perform regularly, such as washing dishes. Focus all your attention on this activity, and resist the temptation to let your mind wander,. When it does, just bring your attention back to washing dishes.

Notice some of the specific movements or sensations of washing dishes, such as how the soapy water feels on your hands, the circular motion of scrubbing the dish, or the rinsing. You’d be surprised at how such a mundane activity can truly expand your awareness.

You can choose any activity you like, such as ironing, folding clothes, mowing the lawn, or showering. Over time, you will begin doing all these activities with greater mindfulness.

Final Thoughts

Practicing mindfulness is like regularly putting small amounts of change in a jar. They will all add up over time, and this will add up to greater peace and happiness, as well as get you closer to achieving your goals.

Remember, you don’t have to do the mindfulness practices perfectly to get the benefits. All you have to do is keep bringing your mind back to the present moment when it wanders off.

Practicing mindfulness may be a bit challenging in the beginning, but I can assure you it will get easier.

The benefits of living in the moment are well within your reach, no matter how much your mind is racing. If you stick with these mindfulness practices, you too will learn how to live in the moment and stop worrying. When you do, a whole new world will open up for you. This is what Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh calls the ultimate reality.

More About Living in the Present

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